My first memory of feeling attracted to a girl was very early in my childhood, when a friend and I accidentally kissed in a playful moment. I can remember the high afterwards — the feeling of “I want to do that again” — but somehow I had already learned to keep it hidden inside, locked away. And so I did.
When I plopped a kiss on a boy in kindergarten, I was happy with myself for having that level of confidence, and simply happy about kissing another human, but the feeling wasn’t the same.
For the rest of my childhood…
Just five minutes of mindfulness a day can make you a happier worker.
It’s no secret that in the modern day corporate world, productivity is glorified. The time a person spends getting work done is valued more than the time spent being present that day.
If you’re like me, as soon as you wake up, your brain is flooded. Mental to-do lists filled with as many tasks as possible, phone scrolling — the whole rushed morning routine.
Who taught us that our productivity is more important than our peace?
When my pain started at age 14, my life got a lot worse before it got better.
I spent years being afraid of my body (What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get a diagnosis?), feeling frustrated (Why couldn’t it function properly?) and wondering if I’d feel that way forever.
I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my mom’s car, during my freshman year of college, at a complete loss:
“I don’t know how I’ll find the energy to be in this body for the rest of my life without wanting to end it,” I told her.
Like every other human on the planet, your ego likely has a habit of reigning over your thoughts and emotions.
What the emotional brain doesn’t logically understand is that the ego thinks it’s protecting us by the way that it tells stories.
Everyone writes stories about their past.
Much of the mind’s interpretation of events, relationships, embarrassing moments, and other personal happenings is based on self-comparison, fear, and the assumption that there is a disconnect between the self and others.
Unless you’re someone who heavily meditates throughout the day, and is more often observing their thoughts than engaging with them…
… is another man out there somewhere. Men and women—I love them both and all the genders in between. Is my sexual identity changing, or just now revealing itself? Is it important as long as there is intimacy?
What an incredibly beautiful story, thank you for sharing this in response to my own. These final lines resonate with me so strongly.
The human mind, the subconscious, the conditioning from a multitude of experiences - it's all interconnected, and we're on a journey of learning who we are and what we desire without those extra layers.
I often ask myself, am I changing or have I always been this way? Does it even matter?
Our minds want to understand, and going down that path can be frightening, frustrating, and sometimes triggering. If our attempts to understand who we once were as children start to feel too painful, we can look forward to the excitement of new exploration and expression of who we've always truly been.
Artist, poet, lover. Exploring spiritual psychology, wellness, & queer topics. Finding peace in being human.